To: Me at age 15
This has to be the hardest letter that I would ever write. There are things that I wish I could change about the past but I am afraid too. If I warn you to change one thing, will it change who you become in the end; who I turn out to be? Of course I wish that I could have spared myself some of the pain of growing up.
I know you are reading this in surprise. Well I don’t blame you (me). Yes! This is you 7 years from now. I don’t know how this is possible but it is. Another thing that shocks you is the warning that things are not going to be easy over the next 7 years. But take comfort in the fact that during all this time you never lose the love of your family or the LORD.
So what should I tell you? What warning should I give? You should not be afraid to take chances. I know that it is hard, after all you like things as they are and safe. Why take a risk? At this time in your life you are a foster sister; Sharing your home and family with kids who are going through tough times. Your family is taking a risk with each of the kids that they open their home too.
DO you know that the little 2 year old girl your family is taking care of right now will be with you for 2 years? That she will share your room? Capture your heart? There will be a moment in those years, when you will walk around the mall with her and a man would comment about your daughter. I know that you get upset when people do that, when they assume you are the kind of girl to have a baby during your teen years. But don’t get upset about that, remember that you know enough people who had kids during their teen years and they are wonderful parents.
It is hard to tell you this but after those two years; your parents will choose to adopt her. You will be thrilled to have her as your little sister. You will plan sister things that you will do with her. But suddenly some distant relatives will show up and take her from you. They will promise that they will stay in touch but all you will get is one phone call, and then all ties will be severed. You will nurse those wounds for a while but then you will get over it.
You will graduate high school on your 18th birthday; it will be a lot of fun. That summer between high school and college will change your life and start off a series of events that will change you. Grow you into the woman I am now. I can’t say that you should not go through these things, because if you don’t then who knows how you will turn out. There already is something going on in your life that you don’t know is happening. You don’t know that you are suffering from depression. You think that this is normal and part of life. You make excuses for yourself but trust me it is not normal. It is not how life should be.
During that summer you will meet a young man. He is nothing to look at but you like him anyway. You date for one month. A week before your one month anniversary, he tells you that his ex called and wants to see him. He tells you that he will go and see her. That if she wants him back he will go to her and leave you. It won’t hit you just then, but the next day you will cry in your mother’s arms when the reality of what he said hits you. You know that he means that you are not worth keeping, even though you have been a wonderful girlfriend and you parents have taken care of him and helped him in the hard times. You will slip even further down that path of depression.
In college you will hide the hurt and pretend that all is well in the world, but inside you are being eaten alive by the pain of depression. You will leave college halfway through your 3rd semester. You will spend the next two years bouncing from job to job and trying to fight depression. You will take medication and seek counseling, the fight will be hard but you will preserver. You will finally find the strength to return to college, you will attended a local community college and excel beyond your imagination. You will be respected by your peers and you will grow into a confident woman.
So don’t be afraid during the next 7 years. Things will work out but you just have to stay the course. If there really is something that needs to be changed, then don’t fall for that guy. Don’t give him the chance to fill your head with that lie. Remember you are totally worth it. You will one day find that guy who will fight for you, who will love you (Though even at 22 you will still be waiting for him to show up). There is a phrase that you will use many times over the years as your friends get married and you are still alone. You will smile, tilt your head and say “Someday my prince will come, but right now he is lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.”
I have to end this letter now, but remember to stand tall Leah. All will end right as it should be and even at 22 you will still have a lot of growing to do, you will still face hard times, but you will be able to pull through. Take care of yourself and enjoy chocolate while you still can, because at 22 you will undergo a surgery that will change what you can and can’t eat. Chocolate will be something that you can handle in small amounts. I am talking one M&M at a time.
All my love,
ME (a few days before my 23rd birthday)
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